Sunday, August 5, 2012

Run Away from the Clutch!

I know I need to write about Blog'Her and I will..I promise. I'm not home yet. I left BlogHer with my Bestie Allie to come spend a few days with her sister in law, Pat in New Jersey. I have met Pat several times before, I LOVE Pat, and this was my first time getting to see her home. I was very excited because Pat is an amazing art collector and that is putting it mildly. I feel like I am sleeping at the MOMA. Pat is Senior Vice President of Investments at Merrill Lynch and she lives a much deserved, hard worked for lifestyle. She is also one of the most generous, philanthropic people I know.

You needed that background to appreciate my story from last night. We arrive at Pat's beautiful estate and I don't even have time to look at the artwork because we must be ready to leave for dinner at 8:00 sharp. Pat is very punctual. So..I rush upstairs with Allie to get ready. I throw on a clean dress, freshen my deodorant, brush my teeth, touch up my makeup and run a brush through my hair. And now I have a problem. We are going to a fancy restaurant and I have been using an orange briefcase as a purse for the Blog'Her convention. I look at Allie, my roommate and say, "I need a purse that goes with this dress." She tells me no worries--she's got me covered. Allie is a purse girl so I figured she'd whip something perfect out of her suitcase. That's not what happened. She tells me to follow her down the hall to Pat's closet. (Understand that Allie and I are like sisters with a 16 year friendship on our resume, so we can fight.) Our conversation goes like this:

Me: "NO--I'm not going into Pat's closet.
Allie: "Yes you are--come on."
Me: Panicked now, "NO Allie, that's so rude. No!"
Allie: "Annie--this is my family and this is how we roll here and you're just going to have to go with it, so COME ON--we're gonna be late!"
(At this point, Allie's 25 year old son Dustin has joined Team Allie.)
Dustin: "Annie--seriously it's fine; Pat doesn't care at all."
Me: "You guys--I wasn't raised like this--you don't just go walking into someone's closet and help yourself--NO!"
I can tell that Allie is getting really frustrated with me and truly--I need a freaking purse for the night, so I go completely against my comfort zone and follow her into Pat's closet.

She fucking hands me this:

An Alexander McQueen clutch that is worth 3 house payments.

I scream "NO" and run from her out of Pat's room and back to the safety of my guest-room. I am now sweating and on the verge of an anxiety attack.
She follows me back in to our room with the damn clutch.
Me: "Doesn't she have anything basic from Target or Macys that will match my dress?"
Allie: "NO and you are really starting to piss me off. Take it--we need to go."
Me: "Oh my God! Allie--the only way I will borrow this bag for the evening is if you walk downstairs right now and ask Pat's permission."
Allie and Dustin: "Okay, but that's really gonna piss her off."
I wait, sweating.
Allie returns.
Allie: "I asked her and she was completely insulted that I even asked. Told you!"
I look at them both, "I need a commoner--someone who can relate to my anxiety in this situation."
Dustin: "I'm a commoner."
Me: "Not in this situation you're not!"
Truly I am dying inside because if I lose even one crystal on this bag, I'm dead-meat. I HAVE to talk to someone who "gets it" just to release my anxiety. I walk into the bathroom to call my mom--no answer. I call my cousin Kate. She answers--thank God. And she gets it--she SO gets it. She did however laugh at me because I called it a "Steve McQueen clutch." Whatever!

I will close with this photo that Dustin captured of me walking into the restaurant with the clutch. I think it truly captures my mood:

I will tell you that the clutch made it home safely, all crystals still intact. Whew!!!


  1. C-razy! I would have freaked out too. LOVE YOU!

  2. No way could I handle carrying that around with my ADD!! I have a panic attack going to the grocery store with Allie's hand me down Kate Spade. LOL

  3. First of all, I love that you used the F-word even though you know your Mom reads your blog!

    I would not have even begun to know that that clutch was designer whatever. Love that you knew that.

  4. DD,
    The only way to describe an Alexander McQueen jeweled clutch when it's being thrown at you is with the word fucking. And I ONLY know who he is because of Allie!!! ;).

  5. JEAL. OUS! But yes I'd be a wreck if I was borrowing someone's McQueen anything. Great picture!

  6. I'm so glad I got to meet you in person - because that makes this story EVEN FUNNIER.

    I'm with you - I'd be nervous. And I can fake it with the best of them.

    Loved meeting you at BlogHer. Send more pictures of people I know (I will put them on my blog as I took NONE. As usual.)

  7. Came over via Kate's rec., she likes smartly funny, just like I do.

    So nice to meet you.