Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Hourglass

I had a PTO meeting at the elementary school tonight. (Have I mentioned that I'm the Box Tops Coordinator this year?) Anyway, I was sitting there taking notes on all the stuff that applied to me and tuning out the rest...

  • The 3rd grade breakfast is on Thursday. That one applies to me--Willy is in 3rd grade. Check.
  • The Kick Off Pep Rally for Coupon Books is on January 18th. I already have my hands full with Box Tops. 
  • The 4th grade breakfast is on February 7th. Don't have a 4th grader; not applicable.
  • Kindergarten registration is on March 6th and 7th. Doesn't apply to me. Wait..What?

And it hits me like a TON of bricks. My heart sinks way down into the pit of my stomach and I can't hear anything else they're saying. This Kindergarten registration applies to ME. My baby...my 3rd child...my only daughter starts Kindergarten THIS year. Oh my God...oh my God. But I knew this--didn't I? How could I possibly be so unprepared? Where did the last 5 years go?

I secretly make fun of those moms at the Kindergarten "Boo-Hoo, Rah-Rah" each year. For God's sake get a hold of yourself! So, how could this be ME? How did this happen? And I think back to when she was 3 weeks old and I was feeding her and I couldn't believe she was already almost a month old. I said to my husband, "I don't think I'm done babe; I think I want 1 more." And he said to me, "We're done." And I feel instantly mad at him. If we'd had 1 more, I would still have a baby at home. Even though it's completely irrational, I feel angry with him. All 3 of my kids will be in school--just like that. And so I enter the next phase of life. I go back to work. No more mornings at the park; no more nap-time; no more afternoons doing sidewalk chalk in the driveway. Gone. And it hurts. There is a deep ache inside of me that I wasn't expecting.

So when I come home from the PTO meeting and my husband asks me how it was, I burst into tears at the kitchen counter. And when he tries to hug me, I tell him I'm mad at him. (Luckily he loves me enough to put up with my irrational feelings and he knows me well enough to give me a little space and time.) And when the tears come, they just keep on coming. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to the news this week that an immediate family member has Leukemia? I haven't dealt with that yet. Maybe it's the harsh reality connected to that because we are all on a timer, right? This wonderful life is lived in phases and each wonderful phase must come to an end. And that is sooo bittersweet. I am grateful beyond words for all that I have. God has blessed me abundantly and I know that. And if I didn't love my life exactly as it is with the very special people who are in it, then this wouldn't hurt so much. So I guess I'll take the pain--it's worth it!

My sweet baby girl

Kindergarten bound..


  1. My heart aches for you. Life happens too fast. These coming years will hold great rewards also, so cheer up it'll be okay.

  2. It's so hard!! I will try with my defective reproductive organs to make another baby for you to wash in your farm sink. It wont be a Prenni baby but I can at least guarantee the big eyes!!