Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Hourglass

I had a PTO meeting at the elementary school tonight. (Have I mentioned that I'm the Box Tops Coordinator this year?) Anyway, I was sitting there taking notes on all the stuff that applied to me and tuning out the rest...

  • The 3rd grade breakfast is on Thursday. That one applies to me--Willy is in 3rd grade. Check.
  • The Kick Off Pep Rally for Coupon Books is on January 18th. I already have my hands full with Box Tops. 
  • The 4th grade breakfast is on February 7th. Don't have a 4th grader; not applicable.
  • Kindergarten registration is on March 6th and 7th. Doesn't apply to me. Wait..What?

And it hits me like a TON of bricks. My heart sinks way down into the pit of my stomach and I can't hear anything else they're saying. This Kindergarten registration applies to ME. My baby...my 3rd child...my only daughter starts Kindergarten THIS year. Oh my God...oh my God. But I knew this--didn't I? How could I possibly be so unprepared? Where did the last 5 years go?

I secretly make fun of those moms at the Kindergarten "Boo-Hoo, Rah-Rah" each year. For God's sake get a hold of yourself! So, how could this be ME? How did this happen? And I think back to when she was 3 weeks old and I was feeding her and I couldn't believe she was already almost a month old. I said to my husband, "I don't think I'm done babe; I think I want 1 more." And he said to me, "We're done." And I feel instantly mad at him. If we'd had 1 more, I would still have a baby at home. Even though it's completely irrational, I feel angry with him. All 3 of my kids will be in school--just like that. And so I enter the next phase of life. I go back to work. No more mornings at the park; no more nap-time; no more afternoons doing sidewalk chalk in the driveway. Gone. And it hurts. There is a deep ache inside of me that I wasn't expecting.

So when I come home from the PTO meeting and my husband asks me how it was, I burst into tears at the kitchen counter. And when he tries to hug me, I tell him I'm mad at him. (Luckily he loves me enough to put up with my irrational feelings and he knows me well enough to give me a little space and time.) And when the tears come, they just keep on coming. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to the news this week that an immediate family member has Leukemia? I haven't dealt with that yet. Maybe it's the harsh reality connected to that because we are all on a timer, right? This wonderful life is lived in phases and each wonderful phase must come to an end. And that is sooo bittersweet. I am grateful beyond words for all that I have. God has blessed me abundantly and I know that. And if I didn't love my life exactly as it is with the very special people who are in it, then this wouldn't hurt so much. So I guess I'll take the pain--it's worth it!

My sweet baby girl

Kindergarten bound..


2 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you. Life happens too fast. These coming years will hold great rewards also, so cheer up it'll be okay.

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  2. It's so hard!! I will try with my defective reproductive organs to make another baby for you to wash in your farm sink. It wont be a Prenni baby but I can at least guarantee the big eyes!!

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